The Meaning of a Shiver
by funkafied1
Summary: When I kiss you, you just shiver and you shut your eyes as if I’m going to strike you, for Merlin’s sake. Do you know what it’s like to try to be intimate with someone who acts like they’re afraid of you?” Why is he scared? FIND OUT! HARRY/DRACO


Harry placed another soft kiss on Draco's collarbone, his eyes almost closing in pleasure in response to the smooth skin. Suddenly he felt the body beneath him quiver, and pulled away in concern.

"You okay?" Harry whispered, brushing Draco's hair out of his face.

"Mhm," Draco bit his lip. Harry kissed the lips softly, and returned to Draco's neck, his new favorite spot. When he felt the persistent shivers beneath him, Harry thought that perhaps Draco was just nervous, but changed his mind instantly when he glanced up and saw the blonde's eyes tightly shut, the quick breaths much more obvious now.

"Draco." Harry whispered too softly for him to hear.

"Hey. Draco." Harry caressed his jaw. The blonde opened his eyes almost surprised that Harry was no longer attached to him as he thought he had been this whole time. Draco exhaled suddenly.

"We don't have to do anything." Harry looked at him seriously. "I didn't mean to scare you or—."

"No, it's okay. Just. Keep going." Draco pulled him forward closing his eyes like he had earlier, as if he was awaiting a terrible fate, and clutching onto Harry's shirt.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine, just keep going." Draco whispered back. Instead of feeling Harry's lips on him, Draco felt him pull away.

"No, you're not fine." Pause. "Look, I'm nervous too but I'm not…shaking."

"I'm not shaking," Draco retorted in his full voice.

"Draco." He replied, "I don't want to fight with you. It just feels wrong—it's like you just want to get it over with." Draco was starring at Harry nervously.

"I don't have expectations." Harry said seriously and lay down next to Draco, facing him. "I just want to be with you," he finished, taking Draco's hand in his own. The blonde didn't know how to respond, so he simply nodded and looked down at their joined hands.

Several moments passed between them and Harry could tell that Draco did not know what to do because he kept biting his lip and looking away. He moved closer and extended his arm to Draco so the blonde could place his head on it. He snuggled closer as Harry pulled a blanket over them, and placed a soft kiss into Draco's hair. When he felt Draco's body stiffen in surprise, Harry began to stroke his back in response.

"Do you have a favorite movie?"

"Hmm?"

"Movie? Right. Movies, films—they're a Muggle thing. Like wizard photographs but with sound." He expected Draco to scoff at the "Muggle" bit, but instead the blonde just shook his head.

"Well, they're lots of fun—we have to watch at least a couple. Some of the ones for kids have witches with green faces and boils on their noses." Harry chuckled.

"Why?" Draco didn't understand the comedy of it.

"I don't know. I suppose they just don't know any better."

"What are they usually about?"

"Movies? Well, like there is action, and comedy, or drama. And some of them are based on true stories and real people—usually famous people."

"Are they going to make a movie about you, then?" Harry chuckled, just then realizing Draco's lack of context for the Muggle world.

"No, I'm afraid not. No one really knows who I am there." Draco looked up at him while playing with a hole in Harry's shirt.

"Oh." He returned his gaze to the torn spot as Harry continued to stroke his back.

"Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"I really do like you. I just. I…"

"It's okay; you don't have to explain anything. Unless you want to. I just like being here with you, and that's enough." Draco snuggled closer, sneaking his hand under the other boy's shirt, as Harry continued to trace patterns on his back lightly.

Several weeks passed after their first encounter, and both were becoming greatly busy with classes but still found time to do homework together and send each other little owls.

During one particular night, Draco and Harry finished their work relatively early and ended up telling each other stories in Draco's room, and finally falling asleep, their hands entangled and foreheads touching.

Draco awoke in the middle of the night to find himself alone. He rubbed his eyes and looked around the room, finding Harry seated in the windowsill looking out onto the castle grounds.

"Harry." He whispered.

"Hm." Harry looked at Draco as he got out of bed, placing his arms around himself for warmth and moved toward the windowsill. Harry extended his hand, urging Draco to sit on the opposite end of the window, their feet almost tucked under each other's buttocks. Draco looked out and then back at Harry.

"Why are you up?" Draco asked, noticing that Harry did not attempt to further keep holding onto his hand.

"I'm just thinking."

"About what?" Harry sighed heavily in response.

"Are you sure you like me Draco? Like that, anyway?" Harry saw the blank stare and decided to continue.

"I really want to be okay with it. But I don't know how. Because I want to be intimate with you and I just don't…look," Harry sighed trying not to say the wrong thing. "I don't want to push you into anything you're not ready for, but I just don't know if it's something that I'm doing or what. When I kiss you, you just shiver and you shut your eyes as if I'm going to strike you, for Merlin's sake. Do you know what it's like to try to be intimate with someone who acts like they're afraid of you?" Draco blushed at the word "intimate" as Harry shook his head, turned, and looked back out the window, his forehead on the glass. "I respect you. As well as your feelings, and your choices. But there's only so much I can do to resist touching you especially when you seem to be liking it at first. And then…" He trailed off. After several moments Draco finally spoke.

"During the night of the war when Dumbledore was killed…" his soft words almost startled Harry, who was confused as to why Draco was talking about the war all of a sudden. "Fenrir." He cleared his throat. "Fenrir Greyback took me with him. And. And he questioned me—why I didn't kill Dumbledore before Snape did." Harry could tell that Draco was almost replaying the memory in his head as his eyes became distant. "And the real reason is because, one, I was not really a Death Eater—or I didn't want to be one anyway. And two, my parents were in the process of figuring out how to get out from under the Dark Lord's reign, so I had to act like I was still down for the cause. Anyway, Greyback suddenly got on top of me and started ripping my clothes." Harry's eyes went a bit wide at the thought of what Draco may say next. "And he started touching me and was…well Snape showed up soon after that." Draco seemed to come back to the realization that he was still in the room with Harry. "I. I hadn't really done anything before that." Draco swallowed hard. "Not sexually anyway, and when he was touching me, I felt so ashamed, and I didn't know what to do." He was almost startled by Harry's hand on his knee.

"Draco. You don't think that it was your fault, do you?" Draco simply looked down, not knowing what to say. "Draco," Harry whispered in almost a defeated whisper. "That doesn't count. As being with someone I mean—it was forced upon you and you don't have to be ashamed."

"No, it's not that. I just feel like I'm going to mess everything up. With you, that is. I mean how good could I be? That's all I've ever experienced—I'm nothing but rubbish—" Harry was holding his hand now.

"Draco, that's impossible. I told you—that didn't count." He paused and smiled at the other boy, rolling his eyes. "If it makes you feel any better, I don't have any experience either." Draco lifted his head at this comment, and Harry nodded back at him in affirmation.

"What?" He whispered, searching for faint signs of humor in Harry's remark, as the Boy-Who-Lived simply nodded in response.

"Why are you so surprised? Between Voldemort, schoolwork, and my crazy Muggle relatives—when was I suppose to do anything?" Draco nodded, but failed to smile particularly in light of the realization that if he had had the opportunity, Harry would have ended up being with someone…or many "someones".

"Besides," Harry moved closer and whispered in Draco's hair, making him shiver in a different manner for the first time. "I was kind of after this blonde, who I thought was beyond my reach." Draco smiled at this.

Harry pulled back, continuing, "I tried so hard to make the brilliant Fleur mine." Draco smacked him on the arm as Harry took the opportunity to pull Draco toward him, almost bumping noses with the blonde.

"Then I realized she was a girl." Harry whispered, and kissed the blonde as he made a sort of giggling sound.

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Feedbacklove (and makes me want to write even more).


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